guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
