At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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