Porn is love you can see.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
