Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
