so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
