The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
