my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
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I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
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If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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