Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
