Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Everyone says I win the strip club
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
