My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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