I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
