What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
