I think I won the penis lottery.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
