i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You were Â¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And thenâ€¦â€¦.
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum