Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Boobs are out for the taking
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.