That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
