is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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