Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
