i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
