I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
