You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
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See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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