Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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