i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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