So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
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I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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