Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
