I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
