Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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