Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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