We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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