sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
so he's a sleeptalker.
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.