come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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