I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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