I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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