True but thats because hes a fetus.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
