Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
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this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
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I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My vagina is very pro this idea
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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