I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
