Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
