I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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