I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
