i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
