Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
