I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
