Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
