So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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