It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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