Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
