pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
