i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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