That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
