I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
