He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
sarcasm needs its own font
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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