I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
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when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
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I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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