Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
