also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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