I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
