one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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