Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Randomize
