we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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