I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
